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Guest Blogger: How to Avoid Swine Flu!

April 28, 2009

pig

Dr. Atticus Hewpith is a professor of Category 4 Pandemics at the Northwestern Flatlands Institute and Finishing School. Here are his tips on how to avoid contracting Swine Flu.

  1. When making love to a pig, avoid looking directly into his watery, beautiful eyes
  2. Use magic markers to decorate your disposable surgical mask with ferocious-looking wolf’s teeth
  3. Engage in less watermelon seed spitting contests with Mexicans, even if it means putting up with insults from Constantino that impugn your manhood. Besides, there’s nothing shameful about being a mestizo muy feo.
  4. Less hog rasslin’, more dog-on-bear fightin’
  5. Like miners who brought canaries into shafts to warn of toxic gasses, surround yourself with sickly children and frail elderly to give influenza germs “softer targets” than yourself
  6. Contract bird flu and harness the power of the “chicken versus the other white meat” rivalry
  7. Dial 9-1 on your phone when you get that annoying about-t0-sneeze feeling; use the force of projectile phlegm to hit the final 1.
  8. Sleep in vintage refrigerators or car trunks
  9. When smuggling live-in maids across the border, make sure to hose them down thoroughly before letting them handle the fine china or good hedge-clippers
  10. When kidnapping families of disloyal business associates, use nautical knots instead of traditional hog-tying techniques
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