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Why did the North Korean Satellite FAIL?

April 6, 2009

kimjongAccording to the Times, everyone in the satellite/scary flying weapon industry is totally mocking out North Korean right now. Despite the initial response of “oh shit, they can turn Alaska into a barren hinterland of tract housing and creepy politicians” it turns out their rad new projectile plummeted into the ocean like a dead sea gull.

But looking at the launching from a purely technical vantage point, space experts said the failure represented a blow that in all likelihood would seriously delay the missile’s debut. “It’s got to be embarrassing,” said Geoffrey E. Forden, a missile expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “I can imagine heads flying if the ‘Dear Leader’ finds out the satellite didn’t fly into orbit, ” he said, referring to the name North Koreans are obliged to use when speaking of Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s reclusive leader.

So what went wrong?

  • AA batteries were harvested from a massage wand instead of buying a fresh package.
  • An inopportune pedal-leg cramp.
  • The crabs in the cargo hold overpowered their unarmed monkey overseers and guided the missile back to their natural home.
  • It turns out plywood is unsuited for spacecraft, even when painted silver and sprinkled with glitter.
  • No one in North Korea was able to find a better power source than an impoverished nation’s collective misery and gnawing hunger.
  • Nothing — it’s an underwater satellite used to track seismic tremors indicative of Godzilla’s return.
2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2009 11:03 am

    And how would Alaska be DIFFERENT after such an attack?

    • bdetrick permalink*
      April 6, 2009 4:20 pm

      Davis, you’re not giving me any credit at all, are you?

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