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Members of Juelz Santana’s Skull Gang have Silly Names!

April 2, 2009

juelz-santana

From an E1 press release:

New York, NY — E1 Music (formerly KOCH Records) announces the release of Skullgang, the much anticipated self-titled debut album from the NYC group featuring superstar Juelz Santana, on May 5, 2009.Following in the footsteps of the Diplomats movement, Juelz Santana unleashes his new movement with this release. The album features brand new music with Juelz heavily featured throughout. Besides Santana, Skull Gang is comprised of Richmond Rabb (Richmond, VA); John Depp (Queens, NY); R&B Singer, Starr (Harlem, NY); UnKasa (Harlem); Deniro (Raleigh, NC) and Riq Rose (Harlem).

Wow, those are some uninspired names. Richmond Rabb sounds like he performs circumcisions in Newport News on the weekends. There’s already a radio host called Starr. And Deniro? Besides the cliched blandness of it, Bob isn’t even in gangster flicks these days — he either plays a weathered cop or a gruff granddad (Little Fockers with Raven-Symone is in production, my dudes!). Calling yourself Billy Cristal would be more clever. Come to think of it, why hasn’t someone? Rappers, you’re slipping on your pseudonym game.

Lastly there’s John Depp. Unless his nom de plume is a nod to hanging out in front of dépanneurs in a Francophone neighborhood of Harlem (“Bardot gave me lewd dreams/Escalade blue-green/Yes, we ate poutine/My saucier mean”), it most surely is an homage to another actor, the handsome Johnny Depp. But why?

  • He too knows the pain of living in an empty castle and having sharp blades instead of distal phalanges.
  • Donnie Brasco gave an accurate and nuanced account of the pressures and conflicting loyalties that weigh upon an undercover cop — but enough about that, where do you keep your cough medicine stash, Juelz?
  • He and his former rap partner Tim Robbin’ had this whole Gothic fairytale aesthetic going on that seemed creepy and cool but always ended up feeling like an underwhelming puppet show.
  • Juelz came up with that stupid rule that “Skull Gang” had to have a member who referenced the movie Pirates of the Caribbean and UnKasa wasn’t willing to switch to “Carjack Sparrow.”
  • Loved Roux in Chocolat.
  • Real name is John Depp.
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