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Hilarious Old Pope Says Condoms Make AIDS Way Worse!

March 19, 2009


Well, maybe he said something like that. The Vatican spin-room is a’churning.

“The Vatican backtracked yesterday on the Pope’s rejection of condoms as a means of preventing Aids — a decision interpreted by some as a rare admission of papal fallibility.

On Tuesday he told reporters accompanying him on his trip to Africa that Aids was a “tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, and that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems”. Taken aback by outrage worldwide, the Holy See altered the Pope’s remark yesterday to read that condoms merely “risked” aggravating the problem.

The Vatican website published an edited text of the Pope’s comments the day after a question-and-answer sesion on his flight to Cameroon. It was a question from a French reporter that elicited an unqualified response about condoms. By introducing the word “risks” the Vatican softened the message.”

First rule of Pontification: never admit you’re fallible, even when you say some ridiculously dumb shit. If the Pope-Mobile runs out of gas, it’s because you wanted to use the restroom at a Denny’s in Sioux Falls. Here are some arguments to bolster the divine truth about condoms and AIDS:

  • While AIDS germs are able to move freely during unprotected sex, condoms build up dangerous pressure — it’s like having a potato gun attached to your penis.
  • Much like Cat Woman or The Batman, AIDS becomes much stronger and more acrobatic when wrapped in a form-fitting latex costume, especially at night.
  • Rough Riders’ patented spermicide/AIDS-fertilizer works.
  • Vatican-approved “Burnin’ Bush” female contraceptive still awaiting FDA approval.
  • Condoms may significantly lower the odds of contracting the disease, but you’re committing the sin of gambling.
  • When going raw-dog, it’s much easier to feel the evil spirits of AIDs entering your body — and hence more likely you’ll take the proper precautionary exorcism medication.
  • Using prophylactics increases the risk that whorehouse janitors will infect themselves when cleaning up after you in the “Monkey Bondage Scream Lair”.
  • The only kind of AIDS that you get from abstinence is made of  chocolate, marshmallows and unicorn hooves.
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