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Gucci Mane’s Daybook.

March 14, 2009

guccimane1

After serving a six month sentence stemming from a remarkable disinterest in abiding by the terms of his probation (he served 25 of the requisite 600 hours of community service dictated by a reduced assault charge), Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane is set to be released from Fulton County Jail this weekend. Here’s how the schedule for his first day of freedom is shaping up:

  • 8:00 Scours the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Op-Ed page over a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.
  • 8:37 Angrily pens a letter to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution rhetorically disemboweling columnist Rick Badie for his take on the prospective changes in the Snellville County charter.
  • 9:50 Stares in the mirror whispering “so icey” for the first of seven daily “swagger sculpting” sessions.
  • 10:26 Ponders which is the better name for his forthcoming blog: VeryFreakyGirl.blogspot.com or SoIcyApartmentTherapy.com.
  • 12:03 Lunch at Hummus Hut, extra tahini, no red onions, fifth of Grey Goose.
  • 2:33 Meets with marketing team from Al Harrington’s Protege sneaker brand (available only at K-Mart).
  • 2:36 Leaves meeting.
  • 3:21 Confronts tattoo artist over miscommunication that led to the inking of a centaur instead of a minotaur. “Get your hybridized mythical beasts straight, fuckboy!” he rages.
  • 4:30 Suddenly shirtless and standing in the middle of a Barnes & Noble. Buys a pocket copy of The Art of War.
  • 7:29 Dinner — but somehow this Atlanta steakhouse just can’t get the meat texture close enough to Fulton County Jail’s Steak-Ums to satisfy Gucci.
  • 9:52 Shirtless again.
  • 10:10 Jean-Luc Godard retrospective at local indie film theater.
  • 12:45 Strip club drama: After throwing a stack of bills into the air with a unique crane-like motion, Gucci struggles to coin a name for the maneuver. He proclaims it “Da Maelstrom,” but secretly thinks he may have lost his touch while out of circulation.
  • 2:10 OJ Da Juiceman drunkenly attempts to convey the emotional rapture of the 2008 Presidential Election but keeps pronouncing je ne sais quoi as “Jenny’s croissant.”
  • 4:18 Gucci meets a very freaky girl and wonders if she is actually freaky like her mother. Seven undescribable sex acts later, it turns out that Mrs. Rutherweis is much freakier.
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