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S.C. Governor Mark Sanford has an Erection for Rejection!

March 13, 2009


South Carolina, a state with a 10.4% unemployment rate, is doing just dandy in the eyes of its grim overseer, Governor Mark Sanford.  The gaunt Republican is so convinced that wealth and happiness are at the bottom of the dark nadir towards which his impoverished state now hurtles that he is refusing $700 million in stimulus money unless those Communists in Washington D.C. allow him to use it to trim the national debt. And while it’s a meaningless gesture designed to raise his national profile–the state legislature can override  his self-serving piety and take the money anyway–it’s not the first time Sanford has turned down endowments for philosophical reasons.

  • Shunned steaming cauldron of zesty possum stew because ladle was not crafted from polished possum spine.
  • Turned down seat on Charleston public bus after declaring that “No Republican Governor of the proud state of South Carolina will ever willingly sit next to an Asian unless it’s at the Asian’s funeral during a war against a landlocked Asian nation.”
  • Spurned dance with Ginny Mae Walters at his eighth-grade formal because her withered left arm was an abomination to God’s majestic human design.
  • Passed on offer of blowjob from uncle because Jimbo do be getting crazy off dat moonshine.
  • Eschewed coupon for 1/2-priced side from Macaroni Grill because “When Parmesan-crusted artichoke cakes are this good, a man pays full price.”
  • Scoffed at a complimentary Gamecocks had from the University of South Carolina because the word “game” trivializes football and “cocks” trivializes vaginas.
  • Sent back a boxed collection of “Sanford & Son” DVDs for totally obvious reasons.
  • Rebuffed the nuzzling of a blue tick hound because he believed acknowledging its affection would unjustly anthropomorphize a creature that can’t feel pain or fire.
  • Forewent a visit to the Playboy Mansion because grottos don’t exist.
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