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Google Voice’s Top Unheralded Features.

March 13, 2009

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According to David Pogue of the New York Times, Google’s new Voice application will completely alter the way we’ve become accustomed to using our telephone.

If Google search revolutionized the Web, and Gmail revolutionized free e-mail, then one thing’s for sure: Google Voice, unveiled Thursday, will revolutionize telephones. It unifies your phone numbers, transcribes your voice mail, blocks telemarketers and elevates text messages to first-class communication citizens. And that’s just the warm-up.

FREE VOICE MAIL TRANSCRIPTIONS From now on, you don’t have to listen to your messages in order; you don’t have to listen to them at all. In seconds, these recordings are converted into typed text. They show up as e-mail messages or text messages on your cellphone.

DIRT-CHEAP INTERNATIONAL CALLS If you dial your own Google Voice number from one of your phones, you’re offered an option to call overseas at rates even lower than Skype’s (and much lower than your cellphone company’s): 2 cents a minute to France or China, 3 cents to Chile or the Czech Republic.

FREE CONFERENCE CALLING Never again will you pay for a conference call, or require a special dial-in number, or mess around with access codes.

TEXT MESSAGE ORGANIZATION Google Voice’s last feature is its most profound…It sends text messages to whichever cellphones you want — even multiple phones simultaneously. Even more important, it collects them in your Web in-box just like e-mail. You can file them, search them and, for the first time in cellphone history, keep them. They don’t vanish forever once your cellphone gets full.

Well, shucks. I’m sold. But there’s more!

  • TEXT MESSAGE AUTO REPLY A feature perfect for thwarting time-bandits, this setting shunts off text messages from tiresome friends, overeager coke dealers, and desperate promoters by automatically generating responses of “lol,” “oh word,” and “i’m coming thu real late with like 7 dudes in cargo shortz from boston university.”
  • REAL TIME CONVERSATION EDITING If you’ve ever told a significant other “You’re friggin’ right that muumuu makes you look like a fat porpoise”, you know the value of retracting such poorly chosen words. With Google Voice, simply edit the offending terms to transform the statement into a benign “Yore frigid bike, hat mute mule rakes ewe rook lighter fab purses.” Problem solved! Your orca-esque partners will be as content as if you dumped a fresh feedbag of marshmallows into their engorged midriff. For an additional premium, apply our patented “conversational curvation” to smooth out awkward silences during early courtship and pregnant pauses from later discussions about who exactly is going to pay for this abortion anyway.
  • VOCAL TIMBRE ENHANCEMENT Not everyone can sound like Johnny Gill on the horn. For males interested in making their voices quiver with deep baritone masculinity, simply switch on the Barry White Sexulator. Minorities calling prospective employers about job opportunities at Midtown Manhattan jewelry stores may want to give the Woody Allen Rabbinical Unthreatener a whirl. Even old folks baffled by the vagaries of modern language can impress their grand kids with the Ron Browz AutoTune Emulator.
  • TELEPORTATION Audio only.
  • GROUNDBREAKING PHONE SEX TECHNOLOGY Enjoy sanitary adult pleasure with our new VetriliGism reservoir apparatus. Requires 12 AA batteries (not included) and standard coffee filters.
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