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Chuck Norris’ Utopian Vision for an Independent Texas.

March 12, 2009


When actor Chuck Norris appeared alongside Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee during the Republican primary, it was greeted with good-natured chuckles from the public at large. Norris–the scruffy, black-belted star of “Walker: Texas Ranger”–had already become an inadvertent punchline resulting from a series of Interweb gags about his legendary strength and fighting acumen — but it was also a spark of Hollywood glitz (albeit ironic) that had previously been snuffed by the wan, wrinkled, and squid-like Republican politicians. At the time most people, myself included, were unaware that Norris was a lunatic. We found out this week in his blog.

On Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, “I may run for president of Texas.” That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. From the East Coast to the “Left Coast,” America seems to be moving further and further from its founders’ vision and government. Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we’d do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that. As Sam Houston once said, “Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may…Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.

What would a United State of Texas look like under the stewardship of Chuck Norris?

  • All commerce and financial transactions will use head of steer as the unit of exchange. For example, a used Ford pickup truck will cost the purchaser roughly five head of steer (depending on the health, breed, and genitalia poundage of said cattle). If the item for exchange is worth less than the value of one head of steer, the customer may pay in sheared mustaches.
  • The official language of Texas is Texan. Anyone without a syrupy, Mongoloid drawl will be forced at rifle-point to undergo speech therapy at a privatized brush clearing clinic until all traces of high school-educated tongue are annihilated. Immersion courses/internships at local gas stations are available thanks to the generous registrar’s office at Shell’s Finishing School for Jerky and Smoked Beef Purveyors.
  • Militia rule. This differs from the vaunted “mob rule” in that mobs have less destructive weaponry and better haircuts. Paramilitary outfits will have the responsibilities given to local law enforcement officers circa Birmingham, 1964: rescuing wounded pets from tree houses, reprimanding pie thieves, insuring that all interlopers with more melanin than Italians (not including Sicilians or Corsicans) are outside of state lines before nightfall.
  • Democracy perfected. Anyone interested in holding public office will be transported to a secret island palace where they will engage in a kung-fu tournament hosted by a mysterious Texas Ranger. Winners are eligible for local alderman positions. Losers will be ground into scrapple and fed to carnivorous heads of steer. Women may compete for coveted secretarial slots via apple-bobbing competitions.
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