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Steele in the Hour of Chaos.

March 10, 2009

“We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles. But we want to apply them to urban-surburban hip-hop settings.” Republican National Committee Chair Michael Steele, Washington Times

In compliance with Mr. Steele’s new vision for the Republican Party, consider the following directives mandatory:

1) Members of the GOP are required to use an alias or “street name” for all official party activities. These self-supplied pseudonyms should reflect toughness, expertise, and a willingness to decide a Ways and Means Subcommittee stalemate with a dance-off (recommended viewing: Breakin’ 2: Electric Bugaloo). Playful references to physical characteristics, real or imagined, are often useful places to begin. Examples: “Lil” Lisa Murkowski, “Big” Mike Crapo, Roger “Gauzy, Unblinking, Vestigial Eye in Left Underarm” Wicker. Those previously endowed with a nickname by former President George W. Bush should insure it has suitable “urban” connotations; “Shrub,” “Turd Blossom,” “Corndog” and other monikers applicable to Abilene brush-clearing overseers and brisket guild treasurers must be altered. Despite pressure from Big Literacy, creative misspellings can be construed as rebellious strikes against the tyranny of the liberal Reading Lobby. See: Mitch “Da Senate Minoritee Leadah” McConnell (R-Kentucky).

2) All Robo-Calls are to be conducted in rap verse. No exceptions. Sample script:

The first question for y’all on this telephone call

Isn’t meant to suggest any negative pall

But would it cause voters a measure of pause

To learn our opponent’s involved in a lesbian cabal?

Yes, they wrestle and crawl beneath our town’s assembly hall

Where they presently loll in decadent sprawl

And her family? All born from malevolent squaws

So inelegant, she developed the temperament of a squall

As city alderwoman, she surely intends to install

A system of spending and lending with gall

And of course there are rumors of reverence for Allah

So for the benefit of us all – Vote Hank Colburn in the 3rd District.

3) Elements of the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry are applicable to Red States/Blue States. For those unfamiliar with the “beef” between Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur during the 1990’s, our research indicates that it involved men wearing bandanas. We’ve yet to burrow through the complete Wikipedia entry, but we presume the squabble ended on a positive note for all parties. As proud “Red Staters,” we should color-coordinate accordingly. While it may seem costly and inconvenient to remove all shades of blue from one’s wardrobe (including cobalt, periwinkle and Yale Skull ‘N’ Bones Robin’s Egg), affordable replacement blazers and ascots are available at Men’s Wearhouse and John Boehner’s Haberdashery & Cloak Emporium (F Street NW, Washington DC, 200004; mention this document and receive 15% off red leather suspenders). Going forward, all Red Staters should greet each other with the designated hand-signal. As the Nixonian “V” is easily misinterpreted as a Communist “peace sign,” we’ve settled upon “twin thumbs-up finger pistols” – at once aggressive and reassuring, they look especially fabulous when brandished in front of snarling Rottweilers for National Review centerfold spreads.

4) Familiarize yourself with the Hip-Hop dialect. No longer can members of the GOP sit by like oblivious Swedes as rappers and Democrats exchange coded communications beneath our upturned noses. During the last campaign, our research team discovered that Barack Obama and Sen. Chuck Schumer were transmitting direct mailing strategies via the syncopated drum-rolls in Young Jeezy songs. Rest assured, we now have an expert “urban marketer” on payroll (previous experience: Mountain Dew Code Red’s “Parasailing with OJ Da Juiceman” campaign and WaldenBooks’ “How About Some Hardcore Hardcovers?” poetry sessions and doily giveaways). He has assured us the results of the 2008 Presidential election were solely due to the DNC’s superiority in cross-platform promotion, viral YouTubery, and comfort level with backwards baseball caps – not because of any public ill will towards George W. Bush’s successful tenure. Thus, Republicans must become fluent in “street” language beyond the salty nautical lingo used by yacht club commoners. To that end, we have recorded several hours of Walker Texas Ranger star Chuck Norris “kicking knowledge” or “sticking lyrical douches in your bushes” over instrumentals produced by Samuel Alito’s nephew-in-law, Burly J. Once you’ve mastered the speech patterns that pulsate throughout Norris’ tribal rhythms, you should be equipped to offer waxing instructions when pulling your foreign-made luxury sedan up to the car wash. This is how we win the people back.

5) Understand the common bonds between Hip-Hop and conservative values. There may appear to be a yawning chasm between the respective ideologies of the GOP and the Hip-Hop community, but both sides agree on a surprising number of issues. For starters, rappers share our affinity for free market economics and big-ticket luxury items. Despite being stereotyped as ostentatious churls of the nouveau riche class who squander their earnings on expensive cars and gaudy jewelry, many rappers now invest in spirits, textiles, and other traditional industries. In fact, following the recent financial turmoil, both Washington Mutual and Morgan Stanley became subsidiaries beneath Nelly’s Pimp Juice energy beverage umbrella. Other possible areas for forging connections are gun rights, opposition to gay marriage, and a general distaste for cooperating with investigations from the House and Senate Judiciary panels (i.e. the Scooter Libby STOP SNITCHING, movement). Besides, as anyone who has ever witnessed Grover Norquist “making it rain” armloads of ham-filled croissants onto the heaving crowd during a raucous prayer breakfast knows, only rappers have swagger like us.

6) Prepare to get edgy. While the GOP has long been associated with uptight, straight-laced Middle America, the modern look of the party will reflect our country in the 21st Century – to the extreme! That’s right, we’ve got Bobby Jindal. Now imagine him delivering a blistering beat-box routine on FOX’s Hannity and Colmes, freestyle rapping about the virtues of a flat tax, and pouring a magnum of champagne onto a burning American flag. It offers the same untethered dynamism as a Doritos commercial. The Southern Strategy may be a failed anachronism of the past, but now we’ve got the Dirty Southern Strategy to usher in a new golden age of Republican dominance. Holler if you hear us.

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