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Murdoch’s Power Moves.

March 10, 2009

When Rupert Murdoch’s $5 billion bid for Dow Jones was accepted by the Bancroft family, the Australian-born media mogul became the owner of The Wall Street Journal, America’s most esteemed financial publication. Unlike many of Murdoch’s other holdings in a portfolio that includes The New York Post, Myspace and the FOX Broadcasting Company—the WSJ is a beast of a different reputation, a periodical that shimmers with time-polished prestige. Here are excerpts from other venerable publications as they undergo Rupertization (provided they lack any of those pesky lawyer-crafted agreements guaranteeing journalistic independence from the News Corp. clutches).

The Farmer’s Almanac

The (Old) Farmers’s Almanac, for the year of our Lord 2007, contains, besides the large number of astronomical calculations and the Farmer’s Calendar for every month of the year, useful information in the matters of Celebrity Silo Makeovers, Livestock War IV: Goats Vs Sheep, and An Inquiry into Haunted Feedbags.

On Cultivation of Soil: Neglect not your Seasonal Tilling Confessions — whereas the naughty thoughts that manifest as you mount a harrow upon your tractor are exposed with outrageous and scandalous results. Revelations of illicit crushes and/or terrible crimes inflicted upon wandering banjo players are encouraged.

On Animal Husbandry: Find out which lucky winner from a score of sexy farm-wives will marry Belvedere, a Preakness runner-up and chestnut brown American Warmblood that stands 16.5 hands high, was shod by a professional farrier, and exhibits remarkably few stable vices. All contestants should be familiar with English Riding subdivisions of Hunt Seat and Classical Dressage as well as usage of an Atlanta-style Stripper Pole.

On Matrimonial Bliss: Should your partner be unable or unwilling to perform her wifely duties, she may be swapped with another potential mate for the duration of 14 weeks provided the ensuing turmoil, hilarity and misery will be videocordered and broadcast for public entertainment. Your temporary spouse may be of a variety including, but not limited to, Dwarf, Kleptomaniac She-Male, Rheumy-Eyed Girl Scout, and Jewess.

Days of the Month most suitable for Brazilian Waxing: 2,3,12,15,20,27.

Days of the Month upon which Gaydar is most potent: 7,8,9,11,22,23.

Days of the Month best used for impregnating vixens in Temptation Pasture: 1,9,14,15,26,27,30

The Bible

It looks like on-again, off-again power couple Adam and Eve have rejoined at the rib – the pair was spotted sharing bites of succulent seeded fruit while canoodling in the VIP lounge at mondo-exclusive nudist enclave Garden of Eden. But we doubt the lovebirds will be dining at The Pharaoh’s three-star Michelin-rated bistro on the Nile any time soon; outraged patrons at the Egyptian eatery report a menagerie of frogs, lice and locusts in the Horus-themed dining area, as well as several incidences of first-born sons dying unexpectedly (bye, bye primogeniture!). Speaking of former hotspots, has anyone found an after-hours hookah lounge worth its weight in myrrh-flavored tobacco since King David waxed the Arameans’ collective asses, captured Damascus, and installed suffocating cabaret dancing laws? If so, text me a stone tablet with all the details. On the QT, we’ve heard whispers of a sex tape starring Lot and–gasp!–his two daughters engaging in a shameful drunken escapade while holed up in a mountain retreat outside of Zoar. As this narrowly follows the tragic transformation of Lot’s wife into a crystallized pillar of margarita-worthy salt, we’re predicting the unfortunate fellow will soon book a visit into the star-studded Dead Sea Rehab Center and Spa (where he’s less likely to be plied with wine). On the topic of good vino, we’re getting mixed reviews of Jesus of Nazareth’s handiwork at recent wedding ceremony in Galilee where he turned water into Pinot Noir: the grateful master of nuptial ceremonies has since declared the divine intoxicant on par with a Domain de la Romanée-Conti vintage, but several partygoers sniffed that the beverage in question closer resembled more of a “mildewed wine cooler”. Bottoms up! In related gossip, our spies say Young Jehovah has been frolicking with Mary Magdalene – and her confidants are already blaming the one-man vineyard for the Bethany brickhouse’s string of UUI convictions (Unchasteness Under the Influence). Check back next week for a batch of blind items that even Jesus couldn’t cure if he was knee-deep in the Siloam Pool. Amen.

Seventeen Magazine

Hey, girls! First off, I’d just like to announce my excitement at being named as the new Editor-in-Chief here at Seventeen. We’re going to have so much fun together!

We kick off our first issue with a special feature entitled “The Hottest Hunks on the Hill” where you can learn all about the super-awesome Republicans that put the “Party” in GOP. Did you know that US Supreme Court Justice Thomas Alito’s turn-ons include moonlit picnics in front of the Lincoln Memorial, tube-tops, sending silly Myspace messages, and vigilantly protecting your womb from Godless liberals seeking to slaughter your innocent unborn child like a lamb on a butcher block? Gnarly!

That brings us to our cover-boy. A former senator, current television star and future President of the United States, he’s the man with the sexiest jowls in politics: Fred Thompson! Our White House-accredited staff reporter Jeff Gannon probes deep to analyze why Thompson’s presidential momentum rivals that of a herd of galloping rhinos–and discovers that it’s completely unstoppable.

But that’s not all we have in store for our readers – in an article entitled “From Homemakers to Homos”, we investigate the scary new trend of hot boys wanting to marry each other and not pretty girls. Find out why John Edwards and his expensive haircuts are to blame! Yuck! And remember, by harnessing the powers of bulimia instead of asking tough questions about government “accountability”, you’ll not only look and feel fantastic — you’ll also help your country! We bet you didn’t know that your skinny jeans can help fight the war on terror. Or that so-called “climate change” just means that you’ll be able to get a better tan when you’re chilling out at the beach this summer.

As always, if you have any questions about cute boys, finding the right eye shadow, or why most college professors are al Qaeda sympathizers, just email me.

XO,

Editor-in-Chief Anne Coulter

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