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BREAKING: Max B Convicted.

June 9, 2009

maxb

According to reports, former Dipset member Max B has been convicted on 9 of 11 counts that include murder, robbery, and kidnapping that stem from a 2006 incident in New Jersey. His lawyer has released an utterly ridiculous statement, reprinted here for your reading pleasure.

“Max B would like to first thank all his family, friends and fans that have supported him throughout this trial.  Please don’t give up on him at this point.  Although the jury has spoken and Max has been convicted of felony murder, kidnapping, robbery and conspiracy a swift and successful appeal shall follow.  It is inconceivable that a jury would convict Max under the facts presented by the State.  Even Gina Conway the State’s own witness testified that Max knew nothing of a robbery. Ms. Conway, a jilted lover and proven liar, said so at the trial itself.  Max said after the verdict was read that he is confident that justice will eventually be served and he will be free.  Max intends to continue putting out music for his fans while the appeal process grinds along.  Although shocked by the verdict, Max remained grateful.”

Let’s take a closer look at the handiwork of Gerald M. Saluti, Esq. First off, he promises a “swift” appeal in a process that he later says will “grind along.”  Sloppy, but Mr. Saluti is here for his legal prowess, not wordsmithery. Along the same linguistic lines, he calls the jury’s decision “inconceivable.” His lack of imagination notwithstanding, it happened. But okay, the most nettlesome part of his statement is when he boasts that state witness Gina Conway “testified that Max knew nothing of a robbery” — right before calling her a PROVEN LIAR. With such an array of bloviated contradictions, Saluti is like the KRS-One of legal statements.

Anyway, Vibe might be re-posting the profile I did on Max from a couple issues ago. I’ll link it if they do. There isn’t an enormous amount of information in that article about the case (he wasn’t willing to talk about it) but it is mentioned. All in all, this is obviously an un-wavy situation for everyone. Biggavelli is a talented artist who showed me nothing but hospitality, so let’s just hope justice is administered as fairly as possible in this case.

MP3: Young Jeezy – “Dead or Alive.”

May 5, 2009

jeezy

The only version of this track I’ve found fades out at the 2:15 mark, but it’s still enough to whet your appetite for Jeezy’s forthcoming Trappin’ Ain’t Dead mixtape with DJ Folk. If he’s not your favorite rapper in 2009, your taste is mondo-suspect. Litmus paper shit. Oh, hat tip to 2 Dope Boyz.

Young Jeezy – “Dead or Alive.”

MP3: Major Lazer – “Hold the Line.”

April 30, 2009

holdtheline

Here’s a leaked album cut from the Diplo/Switch project. We’re all fanning out about having two guys who produced for M.I.A. in the same room, drinking out of the same Gatorade bottle, handing each other handfuls of Tropical Skittles, giving one another masculine yet tender back rubs, high-fiving ironically, going out for Camel Ultra-Light smoke breaks, giggling deep into the night, high-fiving with genuine enthusiasm, borrowing each other’s razor blades, rolling woolies, bartering goats, sampling the sound of eyelashes blinking, fighting Chinese kites, turning into anthropological robots who learn to love, watching Jada Pinkett-Smith on “Hawthorne” as we’ve never seen her before, fishing for compliments from Brooklyn Vegan, trying on each other’s sandals, and makin’ dope beats.

Major Lazer – “Hold the Line.”

MP3: R. Kelly & OJ Da Juiceman – “Superman High.”

April 29, 2009

oj_da_juice_man

I intended to write some witty rejoinder here, but what needs to be said about a four-and-a-half-minute song that includes Kells, Juiceman, a sampled “Ay” that sounds like a barking dog, a broken music box beat, and a bunch of chaotic garble about Patron and “Wonderwoman bracelet /Smurfette stones”? I mean really. FTW!

R. Kelly & OJ Da Juiceman – “Superman High”

BREAKING: 10 Deep Clothing Company Puts Out Clothing for Warm Weather!

April 28, 2009

10-deep

This is particular Little Bank exclusive is a one of one. That means none before it, and maybe possibly some to come. My cronies over at 10 Deep were kind enough to link me to their new “Spring Delivery 2” collection before anyone else, so here it is. Soon all your favorite streetwear rappers like Kid CuDi and Prince Markie Dee will be decked in these vines!

10 Deep – Spring Delivery 2

BONUS: “Special Delivery”

EVERY MEMBER OF MY TEAM IS A SHOOTER.

Guest Blogger: How to Avoid Swine Flu!

April 28, 2009

pig

Dr. Atticus Hewpith is a professor of Category 4 Pandemics at the Northwestern Flatlands Institute and Finishing School. Here are his tips on how to avoid contracting Swine Flu.

  1. When making love to a pig, avoid looking directly into his watery, beautiful eyes
  2. Use magic markers to decorate your disposable surgical mask with ferocious-looking wolf’s teeth
  3. Engage in less watermelon seed spitting contests with Mexicans, even if it means putting up with insults from Constantino that impugn your manhood. Besides, there’s nothing shameful about being a mestizo muy feo.
  4. Less hog rasslin’, more dog-on-bear fightin’
  5. Like miners who brought canaries into shafts to warn of toxic gasses, surround yourself with sickly children and frail elderly to give influenza germs “softer targets” than yourself
  6. Contract bird flu and harness the power of the “chicken versus the other white meat” rivalry
  7. Dial 9-1 on your phone when you get that annoying about-t0-sneeze feeling; use the force of projectile phlegm to hit the final 1.
  8. Sleep in vintage refrigerators or car trunks
  9. When smuggling live-in maids across the border, make sure to hose them down thoroughly before letting them handle the fine china or good hedge-clippers
  10. When kidnapping families of disloyal business associates, use nautical knots instead of traditional hog-tying techniques

Airplane Buzzes Lower Manhattan, People Freak the Fuck Out!

April 27, 2009

911

The good people over at Gawker are suggesting that Louis Caldera–the so-called “White House Military Office Director”–should be stripped of his duties for allowing a decoy version of Air Force One to zip around Lower Manhattan as part of a photo op. No fair! The little stunt only created a hubbub because New Yorkers are now really, really afraid of airplanes — almost as if they’ve had bad experiences with them in the past.

What other benign occurrences accidentally remind fragile New Yorkers of the September 11th attacks?

  • Unseasonable sunshine and azure skies
  • Tattoos that read “I <3 Beards”
  • Adorable dogs that happen to have been trained to sniff out cadavers in rubble
  • The ides of September
  • The similarities between Public Enemy’s “911 is a Joke” and all those “911 was an inside job” stickers plastered to every light pole
  • One bearded street vendor who looks exactly like Mullah Omar — but doesn’t make kefke kabobs with the same gentle touch
  • The warm, hearth-like glow of a skyscraper on fire
  • Jewish coworkers mysteriously not showing up to work on Yom Kippur
  • Obama bin Biden
  • Crowds of people jovially screaming and running towards Pink Berry
  • The giant cackling hologram of Dick Cheney that rises from the barren crater of Ground Zero once a year to feast on the city’s collective evil energy